Spoofy Eva in a Blender, On Crack
by Eclipse316
Summary: What started as a parody of the angst the characters suffer in the series evolved into something a whole lot...stupider. R&R, please! ;P
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: If you read this story, please, be offended. I wrote it at three in the morning after 48 hours of no sleep induced by insomnia. Actually, that's how I write all my stories.....anyway, it contains scenes of gratuitous sex, foul language, character crossovers from other stories, shows, and movies, gratuitous sex, annoying jokes, not-so annoying jokes, funny jokes, gratuitous sex, angst, depression, debilitating skin disease, bad references, and gratuitous sex.

I did cut and slash (or more rather hack and burn) some other things, like movies and what not, but that's a compliment! Whaddaya gonna do, sue me? (Ed. Note: No! Please!) So, enjoy, and be offended!

PS: These chapter titles might not make sense, just bear with me. Also, I **do** own Gainax, and Evangelion, and if you don't like it, tough noogies!

Spoofy Eva in a Blender on Crack

by Me

Chapter One: Subtle Angst

" It's dark."

Shinji Ikari turned away from the window. He looked at Kensuke, sitting on his bed and examining Shinji's SDAT, who looked up at him, then at the clock.

" It's ten o' clock at night," replied Kensuke, scratching his head.

Shinji Ikari looked back out his window. 

" It's dark."

Kensuke blinked twice, not able to register the subtle Eva pilot angst. 

" I see that," he replied slowly, eyebrows raised.

Shinji Ikari sat down on the floor, hugging his legs. A single tear fell down his check.

" Tears on my face..."

Had this been an American cartoon, Kensuke's head may have exploded from lack of logic. However, this was an anime, so he settled for a very Japanese sweat drop. Shinji touched the tear drop with his fingers, then looked at it.

" I'm crying."

" I'll alert the media," answered Kensuke sarcastically. At that moment, Pen-Pen walked in.

" Hello, Pen-Pen. How are things?"

Pen stared at Kensuke.

And stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Finally, he opened his beak.

" Wark."

He then turned, and left the room. Kensuke sweatdropped again.

***

Touji Suzahara sat in his room. It was dark.

But we've established that.

He sat in his room, breathing in despair over the harsh words of his father. He could not bear the angst any more. Suddenly, the scene played back to him, and he understood what Shinji had meant when he mentioned his great amount of angst. Yes, the night was very angst-filled.

Very angst-filled indeed.

He heard his father's words echoing in his head, in the darkness.

__

Touji Suzuhara, your report card is not straight A's, as was your purpose.

Is that what you needed me for, father? Grades?

Yes, Touji. That was your purpose. You will get straight A's.

No! No, father! I won't! I refuse!

Then go. Run away again, just like you always do.

You bastard!

Honey, increase the LCL pressure.

Huh?

I will not waste my time with an insolent boy!!!

Um...Touji, maybe you'd better go to Shinji's. Your dad didn't take his medication again.

He shut his eyes hard, tears trying to escape. But he suppressed them. It was hard, but he suppressed them.

He always suppressed them.

He fell asleep, dry tears causing him to shudder.

***

Pen-Pen lay in his room underneath Misato's refrigerator. If his eyes were capable of tears, he would have been crying. He had just suffered a crippling moral blow. He had just suffered the wrath of a demon-like Misato.

He could remember nothing that could have caused her to go over the edge like that. Nothing he did deserved the torture she made him endure. 

Nothing he did deserved Misato's cooking.

__

Hello, Pen-Pen.

Are you hungry? Let me make you some curry.

Here you go Pen-Pen. Eat up.

Eat up.

Do you like it, Pen-Pen? 

Do you?

Have some more.

More. 

More.................

Pen-Pen slid the door to his room shut, and he began to sob silently. Then he remembered the other one. The other one who had filled him with his angst.

The one named Kensuke Aida.

__

Hello, Pen-Pen. How are things?

Wark.

The kitchen was filled with angst.

***

Misato Katsuragi was asleep. Yes, she was sleeping silently. Well, not really. A little known fact about Misato is that she snores. Trust me.

Trust me.

In fact, one night when Asuka woke up to get a drink of water, she thought a grizzly bear was hibernating in Misato's room. But enough about Misato.

This section isn't about Misato.

This section is about Asuka Sohryu Langley, who was at the moment taking a shower. No details. I don't do lemons.

Anyway, she was currently having a flashback dealing with her mother. However, this was not any ordinary flashback. In this flashback, her mother was alive. And Asuka could remember it clearly. It was from her birthday, when Asuka was four.

__

Happy birthday, Asuka. Look what I got you.

" Oh boy, mommy! Is it a ballerina Barbie?"

Open it, sweet heart. Open it!

" Oh boy, mommy! What is it?"

Why don't you open it and find out?

" What is it? What is it?"

OPEN THE FUCKING THING!!!

" OK, OK....."

Rip, rip, tear.

" OH BOY, MOMMY! LOOKY LOOKY! IT'S A....malibu....Barbie...not a ballerina...barbie....."

Do you like it, honey? Do you?

"......"

Honey?

" I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

What?

" I'M A BALLERINA! NOT A @!#$%&* MALIBU GIRL!

Honey, calm down!

" DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, THEN HANG THE BODY AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE!"

Sweety, calm down! Calm down....hey, put down that rope! Put it down! PUT IT....ACK!!!

....

....

....

Asuka Langley dropped the soap. She began to cry. She cried long and hard, over that loss of her mother. Over the fact that she could still be alive. Over the immense amount of angst.

But mostly because she had soap in her eyes.

***

Rei Ayanami sat on her bed, staring into space.

And staring.

And staring.

Much like Pen-Pen, only to the fifth power.

Finally, she thought out loud.

" I think I'm gonna puke."

For the first time, Rei Ayanami was suffering from the stomach flu.


	2. Gendo's Confession

Chapter Two: Gendo's Confession

The next day, the three children reported to NERV HQ, as was their usual schedule on a Sunday morning. Everyone knew how much Gendo disliked going to church.

Duh.

Anyway, Misato was in the command center, looking out at the pictures of Rei, Shinji, and Asuka, eyes closed in their cockpits. Suddenly, Asuka opened her eyes.

" Misato-san, what is that noise?"

Misato looked at Ritsuko.

" What noise?"

Asuka cocked her head to one side, listening to the noise that was invading her cockpit.

" Don't you hear it?"

" No," replied Misato. " Shigeru, key in the speakers to the Eva Bay."

" Hai." ( translation: yes in Japanese)

Shigeru flipped a switch on the computer console, and suddenly was forced to plug his ears, as did everyone else in the room. Misato looked at Ritsuko.

" What the hell is that?!?!" she shouted.

" _Oops, I did it again....la la la la la.....lalalalalalalala, oops, I did it again....."_

Ritsuko ran to the monitoring station and typed in a command. Finally, after much deliberation, the Magi displayed the Eva Bay.

There, dancing like a mad fool, was Fuyutsuki, swinging a broom and singing. His tongue was hanging out and he began to nod his head up and down vigorously. 

" Shut it off!!" Misato yelled. Shigeru turned off the speakers. " Commander Ikari, maybe you should, uh....." she said, letting the sentence hang. Gendo Ikari, the kind hearted man and loving father, (NOT!) stood up.

" Yes, it's all going according to schedule."

The fact that Misato had witnessed Gendo Ikari open his _Power Ranger_ lunch box in the break room, pull out a sandwich, smile and then say " Ah, roast beef. It is all going according to schedule," gave that comment much less comfort than usual. Nevertheless, Gendo Ikari stood up and exited the room.

Misato looked back up at the screen and saw that Shinji had now opened his eyes from all the commotion. 

" Don't worry, it's all been resolved," comforted Misato. Shinji looked down at his display.

" How's Ayanami doing?"

Ritusko looked at the computer console.

" Hmmm.....that's funny. She's registering ok, but she hasn't opened her eyes for about a half hour." She picked up the speaker and keyed it to Rei's cockpit. " Rei? Rei, are you allright?"

Rei did not open her eyes.

" Rei Ayanami? Can you hear me?"

No answer.

" Hyuga, prepare to open the cockpit. This is making me nervous," said Misato urgently. Hyuga nodded.

" Ayanami, answer me!" yelled Ritsuko.

No response.

" Open it up," said Misato. Hyuga began to type the command, then stopped. So did everyone else, for that matter. Because they had just heard Rei.

" Z.....z....z....z...."

Ritsuko stared blankly at the screen. Misato blinked. And chaos ensued throughout the GeoFront, due to questionable logic. After Misato had managed to settle everyone down, she turned her attention back to Rei.

" Rei......Rei....REI AYANAMI! WAKE UP!!!!"

Rei bolted upright in her seat, banging her head on the cockpit roof.

" What is it, Dr. Akagi?"

" You fell asleep, Rei," explained Ritsuko. Rei stared blankly.

" How odd."

" Um, yes. Are you feeling allright?"

Rei stared at the middle aged doctor. She could feel some sort of...feeling inside her, but being very unreceptive to most emotions, she wasn't sure what it was. She decided it was not worth mentioning.

" No, Dr. Akagi. I am fine."

" Allright, then," said Ritsuko, " then let us move on to the fight simulations."

The pilots were loaded into their Eva's, then into the holographic battle room. The walls shimmered, giving way to the setting of Tokyo-3.

" Allright, Hyuga, load scenario 32-A."

" Hai."

Inside the battle room, Sachiel, the third angel, appeared, in all his green glory. He stared at the Eva's. Shinji raised his gun.

" Fire!" yelled Misato.

BANGABANGABANG!

Sachiel stood in the same position, untouched. Misato stared. Ritsuko stared. Hyuga, Shigeru, and Maya all stared. And if Gendo were here, he would probably stare. However, Gendo rarely did anything else.

" Hyuga, is everything...er...normal?"

" Hai!"

" Can you say anything else but yes?"

" Hai."

Sachiel's hologram (?) slowly lumbered forward. Shinji, Asuka, and Rei all brought up their guns and took off the safety. It walked right up to Unit 01 and leaned forward.

" Er...Misato?" asked Shinji, staring at the Angel.

" Um....I dunno. Hyuga, why don't you turn off the power?"

" Hai." 

" Would you shut the hell up and just speak English? Er, I mean.....Japanese.........?" She began to sweatdrop.

" Ha....yes."

Hyuga began to type commands, talking to Magi. 

" Come on, Caspar....talk to me....."he murmured. 

Suddenly, the screen flickered. Then, quite suddenly, the power shut off inside the command center. " Oops..." Hyuga whispered.

" Um...that's not good......." whispered Maya.

Inside the holographic battle room, Shinji was staring at the Angel, who in turn was staring back. Then, just as suddenly as the power going out, it attacked.

WHAM! It slammed it's arm into Unit 01's chest. Shinji and his Eva fell backwards and smashed into a building.

" What the hell? This isn't supposed to happen!!" yelled Asuka, raising her gun. She took careful aim at the Angel and fired a three burst, to no effect. Rei ran forward and tried tackling the living hologram. She passed right through it. 

Meanwhile, inside the command center, Hyuga had managed to get power back to the Magi system.

" Dr. Akagi! There is a really odd...uh...oddity in the computer!" 

Ritsuko ran forward and stared at the computer. She surveyed the situation, then muttered, " Uh oh." Misato hurried over and read the display. Maya and Shigeru also leaned forward. They could hardly believe the Magi's assessment.

Run while you can. 

" Hmmm, me thinks we need Commander Gendo...." said Misato, sarcastically. 

" Shigeru, can you get the display up from the inside of the holo room?

" I dunno, lemme see......"

The display screen popped on, revealing the three Eva's attempting (unsuccessfully) to stop the Angel. Holographic buildings were blowing apart here, holo-dirt was flying there, and pretty much chaos had ensued.

" Shinji! What is going on?!"

" I don't know Misato! It's- "

WHAM!  


Shinji's face was replaced by static on the screen. Misato and Ritsuko looked at the screen, a deadpan look on their faces. Finally, the lights came on. they saw the battle room in full view. Unit 01 was on the floor, Unit 02 was in a rather large tree, and Unit 00 was nowhere in sight. Finally, Gendo Ikari re-entered the room.

" What is going on?" he asked. Misato and Ritsuko merely pointed to the window. Gendo stared. Then, he turned to the one man that could help.

" Fuyutsuki, stop the Angel."

Fuyutsuki stared at him.

" Excuse me?"

Gendo ran to the battle room door and opened it. He shoved in Fuyutsuki.

" I expect you to perform admirably!" he yelled, before shutting the door. He blocked out the screams in his mind as he made his way back to his desk. Hyuga looked up at him.

" Yes, Hyuga?"

" You-sa people gonna die?"

Finally, Shigeru shut off the hologram. Rei and her Eva stepped out from her a hiding place of a rather large building, and the other two children got to their feet. Gendo stood up and took control of the speakers.

" Rei, what were you doing, hiding like that?" Rei stared back.

" I.....I don't know, Commander." Gendo stared at her. He then turned to Ritsuko.

" Dr. Akagi, what happened?"

" The Magi, sir. It was the Magi. Some error with the hologram. However, it did flash a rather odd message." Gendo thought about it silently, then shrugged.

" Well, what can I say? It's all going according to schedule."

Misato and Ritsuko both facefaulted.

***

Later that afternoon, in the Eva locker room, the pilots, Misato, and Ritsuko were trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Suddenly, Gendo trotted in.

" Yes, Gendo?" asked Ritsuko, expectantly.

" Well, according to the title of the chapter, I am required to confess something," he explained. He took a deep breath. " I drink from the carton." He then turned and left.

Everybody sweatdropped.


	3. Interlude: Rei's Revelation

Interlude: Rei's Revelation

Rei Ayanami returned to her apartment at 6:00 that night. She and the others had just had a rigorous de briefing over the hologram(?) and as a result, turned up...nothing. She lay on the bed on her stomach, her feet crossed and in the air, thinking.

No, not her feet, Rei.

Anyway, Rei liked to think. She thought a lot. She thought about pink fish, cold fish, and hot.

Right now, however, she was thinking about the strange feeling inside her when she was talking to Dr. Akagi. She sat up and walked to the bathroom and began to run the water in her bath tub. She sat on the rim, and thought some more. Then, it hit her. The feeling about Dr. Akagi. She stood up, for the first time in several months, and smiled. She opened her mouth to admit what she know knew about herself...then promptly slipped on a puddle of water, fell back, and bashed her head on the bath tub. 

Never stand to quickly in a bathroom.


	4. No Way, Maya. Prove it!

Chapter Three: No Way, Maya, Prove It!

Gendo was alone in the Command Center. He looked down into the room; no technicians, no Ritsuko. He looked behind him; no Fuyutsuki. His face twisted into a sinsiter smile. It was now time to do what he had planned to do, those many years ago. He reclined in his chair, and began to sing to himself.

" I wish....that I could turn back time.....'cause now the gift is all mine......can't live without the trust from those you love....I know....you can't forget the past...you can't forget love and pride.....because of that it's killing me inside......doo doo doo....da da da...."

Suddenly, there was a startled gasp. Gendo quickly shut up and swore. " Shit...."

Maya walked into the room, carrying a stack of papers in her arms. 

" Sir, were you...singing?"  
  
" No, of course not," he said importantly.

" Oh my god, sir, you were _singing_!"

" No I wasn't!" he said nervously.

" Oh my god, wait till I tell sempai, and Hyuga, and Shigeru!" 

" That's it...."

BANG BANG BANG!!! Three gunshots sounded as Gendo shot at Maya three times with his Remington Semi Auto w/ Scope. He smirked.

" That'll teach you to make fun of me, bitch," he said out loud.

" Sir? You missed," said Maya.

" DAMMIT!"

" OK, OK, I won't tell anyone....if you do something for me."

Gendo's nose began to bleed ever so slightly.

" Not that, you hentai!" yelled Maya.

" Oh, sorry," sweatdropped Gendo.

' I want you....to take me out to dinner."

" What? Like, on a date?" he said, sweatdropping even more.

" Oh, no, just a little dinner, then back to my place, and if that happens to lead to a little casual sex, so be it," she said flirtingly.

Gendo's nose began to pour blood. He grabbed a handful of numerous cotton balls from his desk drawer and began shoving them up his nostrils. " Why me?" he asked.

" Do you have any idea how cool it would be if I could honestly admit I seduced the Commander? Mister Ice-Nuts himself?"

Gendo swore again.

" Allright, I'll do it. Under one condition."

" Allright."

" I'm picking the restaurant."

" Deal."

" And that," said Fuyutsuki, suddenly appearing and watching Gendo and Maya with an amused expression, " was the beginning of a beautiful relationship, much like a modern version of beauty and the beast."

Maya and Gendo stared at Fuyutsuki.

" What the hell are you talking about?" demanded Gendo.

" I'm like, one of those narrator guys who starts to tell you what happens after the story ends," explained Fuyutsuki.

" But the story isn't over."

" Hey, talk to the author. He wrote it."

" Hey, didn't you die in the training room?" asked Maya.

" It's called a plot hole. Get used to it, this author is an idiot, remember?"

" Hey!" yelled the author. Fuyutsuki looked with a cursory glance as a giant pencil eraser appeared in the sky.

" See?" he said, " What did I tell ya? A pencil eraser in a fanfic written on the computer? And appearing in the sky? Even when we're indoors? Like I said, the author is an idiot."

The author thought about this, then agreed.

" You're right. That last bit was filled with flaws. Lemme fix that for ya."

Fuyutsuki suddenly wet his pants for sure this time when Han Solo suddenly slipped into the room through a tear in the space time continuum between dimensions. He gave Fuyutsuki one look, then unholstered his blaster and fired eighty or so times.

" Thanks, pal," said the author.

" No problem, kid," replied Han Solo as he jumped back into his own dimension, where he was busy having a wild jungle orgy with Princess Leia and...uh, I dunno, that chick from the new movie. What was her name? Princess Armadillo or something?

Anyway, Gendo and Maya were walking to the restaurant when suddenly they saw an ambulance go rushing by in the direction of Rei's apartment building. Gendo gave it a half hearted look as they entered the Italian restaurant, the _La Trachetoria_, or, roughly translated, _The Restaurant._ They entered and a very rotund man named Tony showed them to their tables.

" Well, what sorta food are you two lovebirds gonna be having?" he asked. Gendo looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

" We haven't even seen a menu yet."

" Yeah? So what? Shut uppa you face!" he said. He took out a pad of paper and began to write. " Two spaghetti specials and a jug of Chianti. You got it." And with that, he turned and walked into the kitchen. Gendo and Maya shrugged. Being the only people in the restaurant, the utter silence had to be noticed. Had it been known, a useful conversation starter may have been that this was the restaurant where Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, and Hikari had eaten dinner after _The Ghost in the Shell_. However, neither of them knew this, so the point was moot.

More so than usual.

Maya decided to venture forth and start a conversation.

" So, do you have any hobbies?" she said.

" I enjoy plotting the way I shall return to my wife, drive my son insane, perfect my utter lack of emotion....and snowboard." Maya looked at him in with sudden empathy, feeling how lonely this sorry sack of...er...feces this man was.

" Interesting. I collect stamps."

Suddenly, the rather fat man burst out of the kitchen with an accordion. He began to play loudly, then sing.

" Oh, this is the night, its a beautiful night, and the call it, Bella Noté...." Gendo cleared his throat.

" Excuse me, but that is very annoying."

" Yeah? Well, why donna you make me stop, fuzz face?" yelled Tony, throwing down his accordion.

" Maya, increase the LCL pressure," he said calmly.

  
" What?" replied Maya, a confused look on her face.

" I will not waste my time on an insolent, fat Italian waiter!" he said loudly.

Maya and Tony exchanged confused glances.

" Sir, he's not in an entry plug, you know."

Gendo stared at the waiter. Then he swore quietly. The Italian began to roll up his sleeves.

" Eep."

CRASH! BLAM! WHAM! 

Gendo flew through the air and into a dumpster, home of a grizzled old WWII veteran. He stared at Gendo.

" Oh, I see! You must be that Jap bastard who shot my buddy Lou! Your gonna pay!"

Gendo managed to jump out of the dumpster, covered in marinara sauce and ravioli. Maya was waiting for him at the sidewalk with his jacket.

" What was with that waiter?" he asked.

" I believe that the author was trying to parody the old American cartoon, _Lady and the Tramp._"

" Well, he failed."

" I dunno," she said, thinking. " I think marinara sauce is very sexy...."

There was a dramatic pause.

" Do you.....do you wanna come back to my place?" asked Gendo off hand and rather quietly.

" I thought you'd never ask," said Maya, and together, arm in arm, they marched to Gendo's apartment.

***

And now, for a moment of gratuitous sex....

" Oh, yes Kaji! Oh yes!" Misato shouted as waves of pleasure coursed through her body. Kaji focused on the task at hand and began to go at it even harder and faster.

" OH KAJI! KAJI! KAJI! KAJI!" screamed Misato even louder. Kaji began to sweat but he went even harder and faster. Suddenly, Ritsuko burst into the apartment.

" What's going on in here?" she shouted. Misato gave her an angry look.

" Don't you ever knock? Anyway, beat it! Three's a crowd!" Ritsuko looked dismayed. She turned and was about to walk out, when Kaji cleared his throat.

" Now now, Misato, I'm more than up to the task of going at the both of you," he said. Ritsuko's face brightened, and she walked back into the room. " I mean, everyone loves my shiatsu massages." 


	5. Oh No For Shinji...

Chapter Four: Oh No for Shinji

Eventually, the apartment was filled with the moans of two happy women. Shinji heard none of this, however, since he was sitting on the floor in his room, listening to his SDAT. He kept rewinding it to play track 26 over and over and over and over and over....

"BAKA!" screamed Asuka, slapping Kensuke. His glasses fell off his face, and he began to cry.

" Whaaa! But you wanted to go shopping with me! Why can't I get the GI Joe with kung fu grip?"

" Dumkopf! I only wanted to go shopping with you because you have a platinum card with no limit! Now, CARRY MY BAGS!!!"

Kensuke's shoulders slumped, and he picked up Asuka's bags. 

" Now, what shall I buy next?" she thought outloud. She looked up at Kensuke, and saw his eyes begin to drift to the other side of the store.

" How about lingerie? I could help you pick out some stuff....."

Asuka's face began to swell, and her eyes turned fiery red.

" I only meant that you might get some to tease Shinji!"

This made Asuka's face grow even more red, and Kensuke could see the distorted image above her head as the heat began to rise.

" I'm in trouble, huh?"

Asuka managed to nod before sending Kensuke flying into a display of panty hose. His face looked contorted in pain as he began to it up, then, realizing where he had landed, his mouth turned into a goofy grin, his nose began to bleed, and he laid back down.

" WHEE! PANTY HOSE ANGELS!!!"

Asuka slapped her forehead.

***

...and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.....

***

Rei awoke in the hospital, Gendo sitting in the chair next to her. He was asleep, a smile on his face. She almost smiled, glad about how much he cared for her. Then, she noticed the smile wasn't from her. She looked down and saw Maya Ibuki, one of the lowlier technicians, asleep as well, her head in his lap. He pants were zipped, yet unbuttoned. Her face went a whiter shade of pale, and she slumped back down on the bed. 

" Nurse..." she said softly. The portly Asian nurse waddled into the room.

" Yes, Ms. Ayanami?"

" I wish to inquire about what chemicals go into a lethal injection, and if you can make one for me."

" Now now, Ms. Ayanami," said the nurse with a stern look, " you just had a bump pn the head. Nothing to commit suicide over."

" It's not for me," said Rei, glancing at the Commander.

" What do you mean?"

" If I were to kill the Commander, would it be murder, or charity?"

The nurse looked at the girl, then smiled a nervous smile. She leaned into the hallway.

  
" Nurse Shitsu, could you bring me another syringe full of morphine?.....thanks."

***

...over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and bzzzt!

Shinji bolted up right. He knew that there was certainly something wrong with the last portion of his song. Maybe it sounded a little off key. No, it was definetly the bzzzt part.

He picked his SDAT off the floor and hit rewind. Nothing happened. The numbers were no longer on, and there was a smell of burnt plastic. He hit the eject button, and the SDAT opened up, revealing a rather melted mini disc and a burned out SDAT motor.

" Oh, no....."

A grim realization hit Shinji. He knew that not only did he have to get a new disc, but he had to get a new SDAT. And he knew that being a NERV pilot didn't pay nearly as much as it should of. He also knew that he had only two possible sources of income.

One of these sources was his lovely boozehound of a caretaker Misato Katsuragi. However, everyday after she received her paycheck, she took her car to the local Habitsu Gas Station and filled up a new tank, went into the thrifty mart and bought a 98 pack of beer and a 64 pack of instant ramen, got back into her newspaper, paid the toll booth operator ninety three thousand yen (about 2 bucks in the US), and came home. That was pretty much all her money right there, There would be a little bit left over, but not nearly the necessary 10,429,392,094,102,390,138,401,293,085,013,412,091,024,812 yen to buy an SDAT.

This insight revealed to him that therefore he only had one source of possible income. And he shuddered to think about what it was. In fact, this source would be like tempting fate itself. He had never heard of anyone actually getting money from this source, and, since he also was a pessimist, he figured that it was because nobody who ever attempted it lived to tell the tale.

The only other possible source would be his father, Commander Gendo, one of the biggest dorks on the planet. Shinji whimpered silently in the darkness.

***

The next day, while Gendo was in his favorite position, he began to reflect that he was not being a good father to Shinji, and he should somehow make it up to him. And so, when Shinji walked into the command center, his broken SDAT in his hands, Gendo stood up and stared at the boy.

" Shinji," he said loudly. Shinji stopped in his tracks.

" Uh....yes, dad?"

" Prepare yourself!" Shinji dropped his SDAT to the floor and began to run towards the locker room, about to don his plugsuit and battle whatever Angel might be attacking. 

" No! Prepare yourself...for Dairy Queen."

Numerous gasps filled the room. Shinji facefaulted. Hyuga, Shigeru, and Fuyutsuki fainted. Shinji managed to choke out a reply. " What?"

" You will accompany me to the local Dairy Queen, where we will indulge ourselves with frozen sweet milk." Shinji felt his knee's begin to give away. He had no other alternative but to walk alongside his dad, outside. They piled into Gendo's car, and began to drive.

" Uh, dad?" said Shinji, marveling at Gendo's car.

" What is it, Shinji?" asked Gendo quietly.

" Since when do you drive a VW Bug?" Gendo quickly turned around a corner.

" Never mind that," he said, racking his brain for a conversation topic. " So, Shinji, tell me...DO YOU ENJOY BASEBALL?!?!?" 

Shinji jumped in surprise. " Um....no?" he replied nervously. Gendo frowned.

" ALL BOY'S LOVE BASEBALL!!!!!" he shouted. Shinji cowered.

" Um....I prefer playing the cello," he said meekly. The car skidded to a halt. Gendo leaned very close to Shinji.

" What did you say?" he said, deathly quiet. Shinji 'eeped.'

" Um....well, I'm not very good, and..."

Suddenly, something very odd happened. Some would say that it was an astronomical rarity. Others say it was a scientific impossibility. Shinji, to this day, is still unsure what happened.

Gendo Ikari hugged Shinji.

" The cello is my favorite instrument." And with that bold statement, Gendo began driving again. They arrived at Dairy Queen, and entered.

" I would like a banana split. What do you want, Shinji?" Shinji stepped towards the pimply Asian teenager. " I would like a hot fudge sundae."

" We're all out of fudge," said the teen in a crackly voice. Gendo leaned forward.

" Then I suggest you make some."  
  
The teenager did what any teenager would do if a fully grown, intimidating if not plain scary adult was threatening him. He argued.

" Listen, bub, as you can see from my chevrons, I am not any cashier, I am an assistant sub manager in training, and I deserve some respect!"

Gendo grabbed the boy by his shirt, and dragged him close. " My son wants hot fudge, and he will get hot fudge," he said quietly. The teenager shakily nodded, and went into the back kitchen. 

Shinji felt an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach towards his dad. At first he thought it was anger, like usual, but it was different. It was...warm, fuzzy even. Then it struck him. He couldn't believe it, and to this day, still doesn't.

It was respect.


	6. Interlude: Rei's Revelation About Her Re...

Interlude Two: Rei's Revelation About Her Revelation

Rei realized, after seeing the Commander and Lt. Ibuki "sitting" beside her in the hospital room, that she needed more time to think about the emotion she felt towards Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. She laid down on her bed, resting her chin on her arms, and thought. She thought for countless hours into the night, hoping for the answer. The same thought, over and over again, for a very long time.

" Please, Blue Fairy, turn me into a real boy so my mommy will love me again!"

(No, dammit! The **_other_** thought!!!)

" What do I feel about Dr. Akagi?"

(That's better...)

" I must think....when I am around Dr. Akagi, I feel unsettled. I feel...anxious. I feel.....I feel.....uh oh."

Rei propped herself up on her elbows.

" No..." she said out loud. She stood up and ran to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. " Oh, shit, you've got to be kidding me...."

She ran back into her bedroom and began searching through drawers. Finally, she found the ID that Asuka had left in the locker room after training one day. And of course, Rei, being a packrat who collects objects such as broken glasses, lost ID's, socks, and Pilot Ikari's used con-(....er...I've said to much.)

ANYWAY, the point is, she saw it and took it. And she took this particular ID and held it out in front of her.

" Ok. Hello, Pilot Sorhyu. _Hello, Wondergirl. How are you? _I am fine. And you?"

  
This schizophrenic moment lasted for about thirty seconds. When Rei had finished acting out her...conversation, she blinked several times. 

" Uh oh...this complicates matters."

  
And with those words, she blacked out.


	7. Authors Interlude (I'm not quitting, jus...

__

I'm working on it, I swear. Gimme one more week, please! No! Put down the knife! Please! Please!!!

A lone figure sits at his computer, typing away.

Tap tappity tap....

*poke*

" Ow! Who did that?"

*poke*

" OK, OK, I'm working on it...."

*poke poke*

" If you keep poking me, I'll never finish."

*.....*

" Hey, it worked!"

*poke*

" Dammit..."

__

One more week! I promise! 

- Eclipse316

(special thanks to Andrew Huang for letting me use this little...uh...thingy...)


End file.
